I think I'm ranting and raving, but this also feels like I vomited all over the page.

I miss my sister a lot today, and my boyfriend. I miss my cat Mayden, who I haven’t seen in almost two years. I miss my Army girlfriends, or “battle buddies” as they were affectionately known.

We all used to hold each other when we would cry, because up until that point, I suppose a lot of us had never felt true sorrow, failure, and devastation in such a desperate capacity. I was one of the “the mothers” of the female bay, because I was older, and I took care of the girls - but they took care of me too. During those four months we didn’t have anything but each other, and we didn’t feel awkward about screaming and crying on each other’s shoulders. Honestly, looking back, it was . . . really nice. It was human. Basic training was awful and it broke my already shattered spirit in the beginning, but after I was knocked to the ground, I got back up. Some of those memories I have with the women I served with are moments and relationships I will cherish forever. You don’t know true loyalty and comradery until you’ve bleed on someone, or cried because they were crying.

Sorrow and hardship can be a gift.

It’s a blessing of insight that you wouldn’t otherwise have.

People don’t really allow each other to feel like that. We shut people out to look “put together”, or “strong” or some other unhealthy cultural bull shit. I’m getting tired of disingenuous social practices. Does anybody else get exhausted by this? God, I am so over it. Hell, I even catch myself doing it, so I know it’s deeply ingrained in us. Granted, the Army as a whole, looked down on showing emotion, but life was different in the barracks.

God, I’m not sure why I’m even reminiscing right now. I think I feel lonely, and I’m sick and angry, so I’ll rant about it. I don’t care. This is how I feel, and I hate it, and right now, everything sucks, and YOU KNOW WHAT?

It’s okay.

It’s okay to scream, it’s fucking okay to cry, and it’s fucking okay to be angry. Whoever the hell is reading this, let me tell you, right now, I am your fucking shoulder to cry on, cause doing this life thing? It sucks. Nobody asked to be human. I sure as hell didn’t. I would have been fine being a speck of stardust.

But here we are, and somehow, WE have to get through it, TOGETHER.

Ironically, I’m pretty happy with my life, sickness just has a way of making me feel depressed and hopeless. Sigh. See? Once again, I hate being human sometimes.